How to Do This….

Some of our community is doing this for the first time. Tragically, in the storm last night, two people from our community were killed in the tornado. One of the two involved was a high school student, a peer to the young people in our little town.

Now parents and teens have to figure out how to process and deal with the shock and grief that accompanies such a profound loss.  For many of the parents and teens this is the first close loss of a peer in their age group. There are no rules written anywhere about the right way to feel or act, or the things to say in a situation like this. Young people look to parents for answers and this is a case where many parents feel like their answers are inadequate for the present situation.

I will be the first to point out that I don’t have the right words either. In fact, I am not sure there are “right words”. As a minister and a family therapist I probably have much more experience with this kind of circumstance than the rest of you. Unfortunately, I don’t have a concise set of “proper expressions” for parents or teens to speak to each other about loss and sorrow.  I have learned a few things over the past 40 years of working with grieving families that might be helpful.

First, presence is more powerful than any words you might use. The reason we offered a place for teens to come together last night after we got the news of the accident is because of the power of presence. Sorrow shared is far easier to bear than sorrow in isolation. As I spoke with different teachers, parents,  and teens last night I heard lots of things said. As you can well imagine some were crying, some asking what happened,  while others were simply sitting there listening to friends.  What was important was that they were together.

Second, emotions are okay. Among teens, who we often describe as having “raging hormones”, controlling emotions is very difficult. It is an age of extremes, from incredible excitement over something as insignificant as a new cell phone to indescribable anger over an unintentional slight. So when something as significant as a peer’s death occurs, it is understandable that emotions will be all over the board. Anger, sorrow, disbelief, confusion and untold other emotions seem to flood people in situations like this. Some express their emotions in appropriate ways, and others use less appropriate terms.  It is important for us to let them express and see us express the whole range of emotions. If this experience causes you to be afraid that it could happen to your parent or child, it is okay to say that. There is no reason to deny that we are relieved that we aren’t experiencing this first hand. It is a good time to hug each other and be glad that we are safe.

Finally, grief isn’t experienced in a day, a month or a year. There is no time table to grieving. Going back to state track will be different this week without the manager going along. Returning to school next year will be different without a familiar classmate. Graduation next year will not be as expected.

Grief will find its expression in all of those situations.  For some the expression will be very vocal and visible. If you read “Facebook” you will find many people recording their thoughts about Linda and Jeff today. Some will talk about it for quite a while. Others will appear to return to “normal” life right away. Talking or becoming quiet is not necessarily an indication of the intensity of grief. It may have as much to do with the way one processes grief as it does the speed with which we move through the process.  It takes time, an unclear, indefinite amount of time. Don’t try to rush it, just try to share the time together.

To sum it up, be willing to talk about what is happening. Be patient with each other for what is said or done. Mistakes will be made. Most haven’t been through something like this before, so there isn’t much experience with how to “do it right”. Hear what is meant, not what is said.  Saying that we know it is hard and we are sorry is probably as important as anything we could say. We don’t know how each other feels, so we don’t need to compare loss experiences. We just need to be there for each other.

Finally, I am around. Stop by if you want to talk, hang out, or just drink a pop. It is okay to just be sad. I don’t have a problem with your being sad around me while we make our way through this. I wear two hats in our community. If I can help you process through this by looking to faith and God, I am excited to do that. Faith offers answers that knowledge can never offer. If I can help as a therapist, someone trained and familiar with grieving and its impact on people and their relationships, I am happy to do that as well.  But we all need to remember, we aren’t doing this alone.